Stuck in the Middle.

Do you find yourself feeling stuck between friends, colleagues or family members? 

Not wanting to be in the middle of people in conflict is certainly reasonable. Sometimes we are asked to take sides and sometimes we just take on the role of rescuer.  Either way, it's a common dilemma and when it's self inflicted, it generally comes from a belief that people who don't get along need to get along. When we believe this thought, we feel stuck and frustrated. And then we take action to try to control or manipulate the situation.  From there the wheels of drama begin to spin.

Is it possible for someone to put you in the middle? In my experience, the only way to be in 'the middle' is to have the thought that there something wrong with the way things are. To be in 'the middle' is to be in conflict with the way of things.  I say it's not possible for someone to put me in that position without my permission. Only I can put myself there. And only I can take myself out. 

So, the next time you find yourself in the middle or about to jump into the middle of someone else's conflict, get yourself out. 
 
How?
First, question the thought that has (or had) you enter the triangle.  What's the worst that could happen if you stayed out of it?
Second, bring yourself fully back into your business. 
Third, trust people to work it out or not. 
And forth, get into the habit of being an observer. Learn to appreciate and embrace the people in your life without needing to change or fix anything about them. 

This may feel awkward at first.  You can certainly ask if there is anything you can do to support your friend, colleague or family member.  And, you can let them know that you trust them to work it out. 

This, in my experience is compassion and unconditional friendship.

Save time and just ask.

Do you make assumptions? Do you then act on that assumption?
How's that working out for ya?  Sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. 

In my experience, the times I'm wrong end up hurting me or others and create misunderstandings. In some cases, I've even missed out on great opportunities because I made an assumption.

So, what stops you from asking for clarity? 
I'm too busy. I know. They don't want me to ask. They'll think I'm ______. 
More assumptions!
Next time you find yourself making an assumption, consider this: Would you rather have someone create up a story (an assumption) about what you are thinking and feeling? Or, would you prefer if they ask you?

My unsolicited advice almost every time: Save time and just ask.
Take time today to check out your assumptions. You might get to know people and be surprised at what is really going on. Robyn

Connecting with your humanness

I believe that life is a journey of connection to self and to others.  In relationships, sharing all of who I am with others seems to come naturally. Though it wasn't always that way!  I remember hiding the parts of me that felt weak or inferior to my ideal self. What I've found is that sharing all of me has been a great way to learn more about myself.  Through reaching out to others, I am able to not only get support but also to give them an opportunity to grow with me.  The deeper connection to self and others is, in my mind, the whole point of this life. 

How do you feel when someone reaches out to you for support? Does it feel like a burden or is it gratifying that they would want to include you?  

I challenge you today to reach out and share yourself with a friend. Not just what's going well for you in life, but also the part of you that is learning and needing support.  What good is it to have friends that you only share good news with?  What about the stuff in between?  The experiences of growing and learning?  Sharing all of our humanness with each other is equally valuable.  In my experience, it's another door to connect through.

The ability to make an emotional connection is so often misunderstood. It's not just about being emotional or showing emotion. It's about making a human connection ~ one person to another. 

In love, light and connection, Robyn

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one. ~ C.S. Lewis

Unintended Impact

You throw a pebble into calm water and watch the ripples until they reach the shore. It's the same with our choices, which are the pebbles of our lives. Life is a series of events; pebbles thrown into the water. Every situation that we face in our lives has thoughts and emotions. Every decision we make has a direct impact on others and lest we forget the indirect impact as well. Every decision you make, every action you take has consequences. Just because I don't see them, doesn't mean they don't exist. There were pebbles thrown and ripples on the water well before I came into existence that have had an impact on my life.

How do you avoid unintended impact or consequences? AND Do you event want to avoid unintended impacts?

In my experience, while it may not always be possible to avoid the impact you have on others, you can be more aware - and thus encounter less "unintended" impacts.  By paying attention to the ripples, by stepping outside yourself long enough to understand and recognize that the choices you make today could affect not only you, but also others for years, and even generations to come.

Consider this scenario:

                                                 

Recently, Mary decided to paint her kitchen. There were paint cans out, floor coverings, a ladder.. the usual stuff you'd have out to paint your kitchen.  The phone rang and a friend on the other line invited Mary to the chance to do something she very much wanted to do. So she left the rest of the painting to her husband John, and apologized that she didn't mean to dump that extra work on him. That is, the adverse consequences for him were just an unintended byproduct of her choice. John graciously accepted his wife's apology.

While Mary's imposition on John was unintended, it was not unpredictable. It was a completely predictable consequence of Mary’s choice. That the intent she had in mind did not include imposing costs on John left unchanged the fact that it did so.

Under what circumstances is "I didn't mean to" a sufficient excuse or apology, with no further actions required? What, if anything, is your responsibility in the ripple created?

This post is in the spirit of opening a dialogue about this topic Unintended Impact and it’s ripple effect.

STAY

When I'm being interrupted. When someone is making an assumption about me. When I'm being "taught" and am not asking for advice. When I think I know something while someone else is talking. When I don't like what someone else is saying.  When I have something "better" to do. When I feel foolish. When I don't know what to say. When the going gets tough - S T A Y. Stay and speak what is in my integrity to share. Stay when my mind wants to close.   Stay and keep my mind and heart open long enough to hear what's being said. Stay and learn more about who I am by holding tight and waiting to see what's next rather than assuming I know.  Breath and Stay.

Open Draft Response

Following an urge.

A sweet friend of mine passed away two weeks ago.  Adam was 51 years old and his passing was sudden.  My husband and I went to the family's home to be with his wife, Nina and family.  Adam and Nina have two children.  I heard their daughter, Rebecca (11yrs) crying.  I wobbled on what to do.  Is it my business?  Should I offer myself?  I don't want to interfere.  She was with Nina and there were family surrounding them - casually sitting nearby. 

I felt a strong pull, an urge. It was a curious pull and for a moment I considered what the pull was towards.  What was my stake in that moment?  The core feeling and intention in that moment was compassion and wanting to offer a perspective that may be overlooked in the midst of grief.  It was so strong that I noticed myself stand up and walk over to where the little girl cried as her mother held her.  I just softly touched her arm and smiled.  It was safe.  I saw in Nina's eyes that I was welcome.  I asked Rebecca a simple question and watched her open up in such a sweet vulnerable way that my heart poured out to her. I gently shared my experience with my father passing away and then asked her a few more questions that had a wonderfully positive impact on her immediately.  She opened up and while I won't go into all the details, I can say that in that moment I saw my purpose and it was strong and clear.  

The next morning I received a note of gratitude from Nina for talking with her daughter.  Receiving this acknowledgment was a gift and told me to notice where I follow my instinct and to question what stops me. 

Honoring my urge and doing so after questioning what my stake was, helped me be purposeful in my delivery and thus the impact.   As I reflect on this I notice that I have strong "stakes" in my life.  I've never used that word before so it was a bit odd for me to wrap my head around at first and now I'm finding all the "stakes" that have driven me in my life.  The word that resonates more for me is motive.  What is my motive?  In this I find where it's about ego vs. offering to another.   My stake or motive that night was coming from my heart.  It was void of any ego or interfering.  It's hard to put into words the out of body experience that I had as I walked from the kitchen to where Rebecca was - and it was just an amazing space of giving as I honored my stake.   I feel like a space is opening for me and I'm eager to see where it takes me.

What about you?  What was the last urge you followed? How did it turn out?

In peace,

Robyn

What are you settling for?

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” ~ Maureen Dowd

Inside each one of us there is a vision of the type of life we want. We may have seen images of it in our youth and most certainly at some point as we began our adult lives. I believe that everyone has the ability to live an authentic and fulfilled life. Why then do people settle for less than they want or deserve?

When you settle, whether it be in a relationship or job, you lose sight of your dreams and at some point you may not even be able to connect to those dreams again. Many of my clients come to me as a result of the realization that they have been living their life in auto pilot. It's as if they woke up one morning and found themselves in the middle of their life and in a space of regret for all the time that's slipped by. What have they been doing? Certainly not living their life on purpose.

As I listen to their life story it seems clear that they've settled for most of the experiences that life has brought them. Key words - brought them. The idea of creating a life according to their dreams seems almost foreign and certainly unfathomable at this stage. They've lost that sense of reverence, of sacredness, of reaching for something high and something that moves them.

I've heard people say that it's easier to just settle. They say things like "I'm too old at this stage of my life to change things" or "it's too hard." And to that I say "Where there is a will, there is a way!" No, this isn't easy for me to say, I did it. I changed my life. I took risks and put myself out on the ledge. The rewards have far outweighed the risk. I found it hard to continue to settle. The truth is, the more you settle, the more you betray yourself.

Stop...and imagine your ideal life. Really stop and focus on the images that come to your mind. What would it look like? Where would you live? Who are the people you'd surround yourself with? What would you do? Is there more adventure? More humor?

Imagine the life you could have and how amazing it would be to live your life intentionally all the time! Connect with that vision, deep down, and ask yourself whether you can really go on settling, whether you can continue to do that to yourself.

Where are you settling in your life? What mantra do you keep hearing over and over in your head that keeps you from living your ideal life? What story are you telling yourself that keeps you from taking a chance on living within your integrity?

I challenge you to do one thing this week to bring you closer to doing that one thing that you've put off and always wanted to do. What is that one thing?

In peace and love,

Robyn

Being Happy

I recently read the book Being Happy by Andrew Matthews.  In the book there is a wonderful piece written by an eighty five year old man who learned he was dying.  As I read the passage pasted below, the question that came to me was: Why does it take death or near death experiences to inspire people to live?  When I witnessed my father's passing I found myself vowing to live my life to it's fullest and wonder why it took such an event to motivate me.  Are we born with the belief that time is limitless and at what point do we notice that each day is a gift and could actually be our last?

If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time. I wouldn’t be so perfect. I would relax more. I’d limber up. I’d be sillier that I’ve been on this trip. In fact, I know very few things that I would take so seriously. I’d be crazier. I’d be less hygienic.

I’d take more chances, I’d take more trips, I’d climb more mountains, I’d swim more rivers, I’d go places I’ve never been to. I’d eat more ice cream and fewer beans. I’d have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones! 

You see, I was one of those people who lived prophylactically and sensibly and sanely hour after hour and day after day. Oh. I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of those moments – moment by moment by moment.

I’ve been one of those people who never went anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it all over again I’d travel lighter next time. If I had to do it all over again, I’d start earlier in the spring and stay way later in the fall. I’d ride more merry-go-rounds, I’d watch more sunrises, and I’d play with more children, if I had my life to live over again. ~ But you see, I don’t.

Seize the day!

~ Robyn

What have you been putting off in your life that you could be doing now?

What’s stopping you from living a fulfilled life?

Independence Day

We are blessed to live in a land that affords such freedom and opportunity, and that is protected by such brave men and women. These famous quotes on patriotism celebrate our nation and our love of country.

I believe in America because we have great dreams--and because we have the opportunity to make those dreams come true.   ~Wendell L. Wilkie

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.  
~ John F. Kennedy


There is nothing wrong with America that the faith, love of freedom, intelligence, and energy of her citizens cannot cure.  ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

For what avail the plough or sail, or land or life, if freedom fail? ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you. ~Author unknown

I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. ~Moshe Dayan
 

Happy Independence Day! 

Room to Breathe

Is the world shifting or is it just my perception of the world?  I've noticed over the past few months that many of my relationships have changed.  They feel safer, more consistant and open.  Is it me or them? 

My entire being is filled with gratitude for the people who have come in and out of my life.  It's all been for me.  As I look back over the course of my life, I notice that I was in constant wait and hope to find my comfort and feel grounded.  I was living life as if it were a dress rehearsal.  What I didn't realize was that it (my life) was happening and that by wishing for something different, I was missing it.  My life and world was all within me.

What I think of the world and the people I surround myself IS my world. 
It's as simple as that!
 
Who would you be in your life if you didn't believe thoughts like I should be different.  I need something else.  He is rude.  She cut me off.  He shouldn't have said that. She should appreciate me.  Mother's are supposed to____.  Husband's shouldn't _____.  Wife's should _____. 

What I have found is that without these thoughts (true or not) there is room to breathe and witness the beauty of what is.  When I hold should and shouldn't as rules, I limit myself and my experience of others. 

I invite you to find room to breathe this weekend as you witness yourself and your thoughts about others.  Take a moment to consider who you would be in that moment, if that negative or judgmental thought didn't appear.  What would be different?  I challenge you to walk past the thought and love the way of it.

My sweet son, Angelo painted this for me and it reminds me of how we all hold the world in our hands.  What does your world look like?

 

In peace and love,

Robyn

Tuesday's with Tucker: Perseverance

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Tucker is strong willed and doesn't take "no - no" for an answer easily.   It's endearing actually and reminds me to choose my battles and respect the will of others - unless it's putting them in danger of course.  

The truth is, we all know our limits.  We may not honor them, we may not listen to the little voice inside that suggests we rethink what we're about to do or say... and, as I consider where I went astray in my life, I really did know what to do. 

Struggling is Good...

My son was in second grade and experiencing the usual little boy issues with children in school and the neighborhood.  I was finding my way in where to help and where to allow him to find his way.  His counselor shared this story with me and it's a lesson I've always held close to my heart ever since. I hope it has meaning for you.

This story is attributed to Henry Miller, the writer, about a little boy in India who went up to a guru who was sitting and looking at something in his hand. The little boy went up and looked at it. He didn’t quite understand what it was, so he asked the guru, "What is that?"

"It’s a cocoon," answered the guru, "Inside the cocoon is a butterfly. Soon the cocoon is going to split, and the butterfly will come out."

"Could I have it?" asked the little boy.

"Yes," said the guru, "but you must promise me that when the cocoon splits and the butterfly starts to come out and is beating it’s wings to get out of the cocoon, you won’t help it. It is important not to help the butterfly by breaking the cocoon apart. It must do it on it’s own."

The little boy promised, took the cocoon, and went home with it. He then sat and watched it. He saw it begin to vibrate and move and quiver, and finally the cocoon split in half. Inside was a beautiful damp butterfly, frantically beating its wings against the cocoon, trying to get out and not seeming to be able to do it. The little boy desperately wanted to help. Finally, he gave in, and pushed the two halves of the cocoon apart. The butterfly sprang out, but as soon as it got out, it fell to the ground and was dead. The little boy picked up the dead butterfly and in tears went back to the guru and showed it to him.

"Little boy," said the guru, "You pushed open the cocoon, didn’t you?"

"Yes," said the little boy, "I did."

The guru spoke to him gravely, "You don’t understand. You didn’t understand what you were doing. When the butterfly comes out of the cocoon, the only way he can strengthen it’s wings is by beating them against the cocoon. It beats against the cocoon so it’s muscles will grow strong. When you helped it, you prevented it from developing the muscles it would need to survive."
So often, what seems harsh or cruel in nature, is in reality wisdom and kindness for the time ahead.

Start with an Intention

So much has shifted in my life since my last posting!  I have so many thoughts, so many experiences each day and the idea of writing them all down - eloquently I might add - seems burdensome.  AND - I'm being called to do it!  Over the course of the past two weeks at least 4 people have said "you should blog about that" or "you should put that in writing."  So, here goes.

My intention is to Blog at least once a week.  Hmmmm.... we'll see how that goes eh?

Since we are half way into 2010 - looking back isn't my preference.  However, to get you up to speed:

I celebrated my 45th Birthday in February and am so appreciative of where I am in my life today.  It's been quite a ride and I finally feel like my feet are on the ground.

At the end of 2009 I officially changed careers.  I left the corporate world behind and am now blissfully happy as a Certified Co-active Life Coach in my own practice.  The rewards have been rich and plenty. 

At first it was a bit awkward learning what it means to be self-employed.  I had spent so many years doing the 9-5 thing that the idea of not actually having to go somewhere felt almost depressing.  Okay, it was depressing!  I felt like I'd been fired and the fact is, it was my choice. 

I couldn't figure out what was so depressing about it until my husband said "honey, you didn't quit your job,  you "changed careers."  Ahhh... that felt so much better.  I was so busy wondering if I was nuts to "quit" a perfectly good job, especially with the economy the way it was, that I hadn't considered the opportunity I had in front of me.  I was doing exactly what I wanted to do.  Fascinating how a shift in wording can make all the difference in the world eh?

Which leads me to now....

My days are filled with client calls, building my coaching practice, attending various networking events and pondering life as it unfolds in front of me.  I love my job!

On family note:  We have a new addition to our home - Tucker.  Tucker is a 2 month old, curious, energetic, sweet gray tabby cat.  He was a gift to me for Mother's day.  My son decided it was time to bring a baby into the house again.  Little did he know this would turn his once sane Mother into a complete knuckle head when it comes to the care and feeding and TLC that a kitten of this cuteness requires! 

As a side note:  Two of our three cats went to heaven in 2009 and our last born, Timber was seemingly down and lonely.  It's taken Timber a full month to adjust and I'm pleased to say he is now a worthy mentor to the little bundle of energy. 

As you may have surmised, Tucker has been quite the focal point and thus, he will have a page specifically dedicated to his life.  Look for his page:  Tuesdays with Tucker.  I'm not sure how Timber will feel about this... and perhaps Timber will get Thursdays.... though I think if I went that far, my husband and son will likely have me committed! 

In peace and love,

Robyn

Who's Your Biggest Critic?

Human beings have an inalienable right to invent themselves  - Germaine Greer

Big dreams are the fuel of personal growth and progress. Yet so many people choose to think within the box - a limited space that's been created either by their fears or by their belief that it isn't possible to live their lives bigger or better. The result? Instead of embracing the energy of change, they resign themselves to the frustration that comes with stagnation.

Why Not?

So, my newest friend Kate - whom I already adore, told me that I just "have to" blog and who am I to not do what I'm told so here I sit... blogging...

It will be interesting to see how this evolves as I truly haven't an agenda for my blog other than to share my own noticings as I travel through the chapters of my life.

For now I offer you with the thought that came to me when Kate told me to blog   ~    Why Not? 
What are you not doing? AND WHY NOT? What's stopping you?

In peace and love,

Robyn